Wood-works
This is the second time this year wherein my shoulders have been weighted with planet-sized fitnah. The greatest type a man can bear.
It is related from Usama ibn Zayd that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "I have not left after me a trial more harmful to men than women."
My marriage is is on the rocks - as in a body that has fallen off a cliff, dashed below. And I deal with the seismic shocks of raw and recent tumultuous events that have turned my life, once again, upside down - alone and picking up pieces in a whirlwind and my private pain being the fodder for a sad and searing public and wanton demonstration by the one who has my heart...
I am supposed to be strong - an adopted castaway, a thug, gang member, stick up kid, who found God in the belly of the beast-and purpose- on a solo journey to redemption. But along the way, I gave myself away - unvoluntarily, mind you - and it seems that has exacted a price that I don't have the capital for.
I am no saint, and I have learned that anger and evil must be etymologically linked. I have wanted to rip out a heart and bite it - but because I wanted to never lose it. And this spiral - I have been there before too many times - has seem to finally hit bedrock.
I am too old for this - this sadness - this hopelessness - this feeling of being lost. I am too Muslim to want to go back in time. To regret the all to many impulsive and angry decisions. I have never had to answer to anyone, to ever second guess myself and have, since my conversion, always felt the safety net of divine intervention and guidance - til now.
And yet my depths keep having these lights shone all about...signs coming out of the word-works, beaming through the lattices. A long-time friend- unexpectantly stepped in as a lifeline...3 old friends, Eastside OG's at that, from my "wild' days pop up at an event - all 3 reformed and successful businessmen, insist on recruiting me...night before last, I have a phone convo with the last person in the world I expect to hear from and I hung up thinking there aren't any 2 people in the world who hate each other that cannot be reconciled based on the conversation I just had.
And last night, a totally unexpected message from an unimaginable quarter came to me like it was borne by Gabriel himself (as)...a declaration literally that "I swear God loves u" that made my eyes almost burst...a declaration that I don't see how I can deserve but that can not but garner absolute belief - and relief.
She, they, and so many others this year have been lights...shining through the lattices...
Today, on Facebook, one of my most favorite people, Imam M. Abdul Lateef, posted:
"Relax. God is with you as long as you are with Him, and even when you aren't, He still is; calling you back. "
Okay, I am going to relax. I feel the knot in my stomach and the barbed wire in my chest loosen - if even just a bit...I am remembering a bit that I am pretty damn awesome. That there are those who testify to such in numbers greater than not - even despite my own skepticism.
I am remembering that I have never wasted love on anyone. That there is a truth to it that no one, even the one running from it, can ever escape.
I am remembering a greater life than this one, so this one has less (actually, no) real value.
I am remembering that you/I/she cannot run from Allah, and that He is the Truth - not me... and He (not me) sets everything right, right?
God really is in the wood-works...Right?
He has to be...
RIGHT.
(For Samir/Aja, Meraj/Mike, Khalil, Zee, Aas, Teema, Prof Allison, Pops, Kenny, Umar/Cos, Faa, Igi, Najwah, OG Butchie, Big Sis 1&2, Glo, Cornelius, Law, Yanes, A-Dogg, Suge, Brandon, Mums, Chad, Skip, Lamont, Sayeed, Stero, Ali, Jules, Pete, Lee/Tee, J-punkin/Mike, Jeff, Mara-para, Monir, Mariam, Dilsher, Riyaad, Saint Lou, Nathan McCall, Ms Tedee)
(And, the Nyarloka)
It is related from Usama ibn Zayd that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "I have not left after me a trial more harmful to men than women."
My marriage is is on the rocks - as in a body that has fallen off a cliff, dashed below. And I deal with the seismic shocks of raw and recent tumultuous events that have turned my life, once again, upside down - alone and picking up pieces in a whirlwind and my private pain being the fodder for a sad and searing public and wanton demonstration by the one who has my heart...
I am supposed to be strong - an adopted castaway, a thug, gang member, stick up kid, who found God in the belly of the beast-and purpose- on a solo journey to redemption. But along the way, I gave myself away - unvoluntarily, mind you - and it seems that has exacted a price that I don't have the capital for.
I am no saint, and I have learned that anger and evil must be etymologically linked. I have wanted to rip out a heart and bite it - but because I wanted to never lose it. And this spiral - I have been there before too many times - has seem to finally hit bedrock.
I am too old for this - this sadness - this hopelessness - this feeling of being lost. I am too Muslim to want to go back in time. To regret the all to many impulsive and angry decisions. I have never had to answer to anyone, to ever second guess myself and have, since my conversion, always felt the safety net of divine intervention and guidance - til now.And yet my depths keep having these lights shone all about...signs coming out of the word-works, beaming through the lattices. A long-time friend- unexpectantly stepped in as a lifeline...3 old friends, Eastside OG's at that, from my "wild' days pop up at an event - all 3 reformed and successful businessmen, insist on recruiting me...night before last, I have a phone convo with the last person in the world I expect to hear from and I hung up thinking there aren't any 2 people in the world who hate each other that cannot be reconciled based on the conversation I just had.
And last night, a totally unexpected message from an unimaginable quarter came to me like it was borne by Gabriel himself (as)...a declaration literally that "I swear God loves u" that made my eyes almost burst...a declaration that I don't see how I can deserve but that can not but garner absolute belief - and relief.
She, they, and so many others this year have been lights...shining through the lattices...
Today, on Facebook, one of my most favorite people, Imam M. Abdul Lateef, posted:
"Relax. God is with you as long as you are with Him, and even when you aren't, He still is; calling you back. "
Okay, I am going to relax. I feel the knot in my stomach and the barbed wire in my chest loosen - if even just a bit...I am remembering a bit that I am pretty damn awesome. That there are those who testify to such in numbers greater than not - even despite my own skepticism.
I am remembering that I have never wasted love on anyone. That there is a truth to it that no one, even the one running from it, can ever escape.
I am remembering a greater life than this one, so this one has less (actually, no) real value.
I am remembering that you/I/she cannot run from Allah, and that He is the Truth - not me... and He (not me) sets everything right, right?
God really is in the wood-works...Right?
He has to be...
RIGHT.
(For Samir/Aja, Meraj/Mike, Khalil, Zee, Aas, Teema, Prof Allison, Pops, Kenny, Umar/Cos, Faa, Igi, Najwah, OG Butchie, Big Sis 1&2, Glo, Cornelius, Law, Yanes, A-Dogg, Suge, Brandon, Mums, Chad, Skip, Lamont, Sayeed, Stero, Ali, Jules, Pete, Lee/Tee, J-punkin/Mike, Jeff, Mara-para, Monir, Mariam, Dilsher, Riyaad, Saint Lou, Nathan McCall, Ms Tedee)
(And, the Nyarloka)
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